


one look at you, my whole life falls in line

by MsFluorescent



Category: Buzz (Korea Band), Super Junior, 아는 형님 | Knowing Bros | Ask Us Anything
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied Mpreg, M/M, Married Couple, Near Future, Real Life, i am in pain, lapslock, why did I write this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-18
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-05-24 18:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14959863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsFluorescent/pseuds/MsFluorescent
Summary: i get to love youit's a promise i'm making to youwhatever may come, your heart, i will chooseforever i'm yours, forever i do





	one look at you, my whole life falls in line

**Author's Note:**

> idea, title, and summary I got from listening to i get to love you by ruelle.  
> kyungchul makes me inspired.
> 
> also yes, a lot of my ideas and titles are from songs lol
> 
> sorry this is basically just angst

heechul holds the now sleeping baby in his hands, the glow of the moonlight shining in through the hospital room’s open window. there’s a soft sigh coming from the infant, content and unbothered. heechul smiles sadly, wishing he could be just as content, just as innocent.

 

 

the world is muted, is shades of shadows and gray; as this part of the world winds down, as most every person is drawn off to dreamland. heechul, exhausted, takes a seat on the vacant hospital bed that just a few hours ago, was not at all empty.

 

 

a few hours ago that now feels like the longest forever.

 

 

he gazes at the child in his arms, _his_ child, the reminder of both his greatest joy and his worst sorrow.

 

 

his world was perfect. a loving husband, the career of a lifetime, and the promise of a child.

 

 

their duo would become a trio, and while he loved kyunghoon with all his heart, the idea of being able to share his love with a little being that was the product of _their_ love; a child they could care for, one that they would watch grow up and would be able to teach how to live the best life.

 

 

now, that wouldn’t happen. the family of three they were supposed to be was once again only two. the sleepless nights would happen alone, and the mornings in bed with his two favorite people would never come to be.

 

 

heechul has cried too much today, more than he has his entire life, yet staring into the dark and empty abyss that the hospital room has turned into, still, the tears fall.

 

 

tears fall for the child, who will never get to know his other father, who will never be able to use his parents as an example to learn what it means to love and be in love.

 

 

tears fall for himself, a moment of self-pity that heechul indulges in, in the stillness of midnight. tears fall because he has no idea what the hell he’ll do now.

 

 

and tears fall for kyunghoon, the love of his life, his husband, the person who he had vowed to stay together with, who had promised _him_ they’d be together. forever. always.

 

 

he is suddenly brought back to their wedding day, in a sudden rush of melancholic nostalgia.

 

 

a day of nervous excitement for both of them. he remembers the rather stressful wedding plans, remembers walking down the aisle and seeing kyunghoon dressed just as handsomely as he felt, remembers the tears in both of their eyes as they watched each other. he remembers the people who came to celebrate them; the happiness on that day palpable.

 

 

it wasn’t easy, of course. being in south korea and being two guys in love. not to mention both entertainment idols. he remembers the hate, the disgruntled fans, the scandalized society.

 

 

nobody would ever truly understand the depth of the struggles heechul went through. except for kyunghoon. they had been through a lot together; kyunghoon was his best friend, his lover, his partner in crime.

 

 

and they had been oh so excited when they found out about the pregnancy. of course it was nerve-wracking; of course there were times heechul and kyunghoon agonized ㅡ together and apart ㅡ wondering how in the hell they’d ever become parents; of course there were moments where they cried, wondering if it was humane at all for them to bring a child into the world, wondering what struggles the child would go through with two fathers.

 

 

ultimately though, they decided on going through with it. of course they would. there was no way either of them were going to kill a baby. plus they had decided that whatever the world would throw at them, _they_ would be the ones to start bringing about the change they wanted to see in the world.

 

 

after all, they had each other.

 

 

but now. now?

 

 

now he didn’t know. now he is thrust into the world of being a father without anybody else to lean on, to struggle with, to _understand_ him. now he doesn’t know what kind of father he is supposed to be.

 

 

kyunghoon had always been the more sensible one, despite being younger. he had been the glue that kept heechul ㅡ and the world _from_ heechul ㅡ intact. he had been the one who heechul had no doubt, would have become the greatest father.

 

 

but heechul? without kyunghoon, he felt like nothing. he was nothing. he wasn’t a dad, he could hardly take care of himself. how- god, _how_ would he be able to take care of another life?

 

 

in the stillness, in the middle of night when all that is awake are the stars and the moon, sobs break the silence again.

 

 

“i’m sorry. i’m so so sorry.”

 

 

and he is. heechul apologizes to the child, for the life he was just about to have, for the mess of a dad he was going to grow up with. heechul apologizes to himself, that there is nobody around for him anymore who truly understands.

 

 

and heechul apologizes to kyunghoon, for not being able to properly prepare so the delivery was as easy as it could be; for not being there during kyunghoon’s most critical moment; for letting him go. it is the most painful apology he has to say, and one he wishes he could still say.

 

 

if heechul could only turn back time. _he_ would have bore the child. _he_ would have suffered in kyunghoon’s place.

 

 

now though, regrets are all that’s left for him. he doesn’t want to regret, after all, he has a beautiful baby boy now. yet he can’t help but do so. can’t help the regret that floods him, that maybe, if they hadn’t had the child at all, kyunghoon would still be here today. heechul wouldn’t be alone today.

 

 

his tears have stopped but the pain hasn’t. he doesn’t know if it ever will.

 

 

there’s a rustling in his arms and a short cry, and heechul immediately has his attention on the small bundle. the baby shifts in sleep, small mouth open in a silent yawn, tiny fingers curling and uncurling unconsciously.

 

 

there is suddenly a rush of affection in heechul’s chest, so sudden and abrupt and almost painful, but it has him fiercely feeling as if there is nothing he won’t do to protect this innocent being he has been given.

 

 

it’s a small shift in his mind, and though it is not nearly enough to dispel _all_ the pain, and truthfully heechul doesn’t think it ever will be, this small bit of hope he has found makes the stars shine a little brighter.

 

 

and suddenly, the name he didn’t think he would ever be able to say again, would be the same name he would call to everyday for however many years he had left.

 

 

min kyunghoon.

 

 

the child would be named after the man who gave his life to create his. the man who loved him to the ends of the earth and back, even if they hadn’t met yet. the man heechul was going to make sure was never forgotten, and certainly never by their own child.

 

 

the man heechul loved.

 

 

and will always love.

 

 

_“till death do us part.”_

* * *

**five years later**

 

“appa appa appa appa!”  
“yes?”  
“appa, we have to write about our parents for school so can you tell me about papa? what was he like?”

 

 

heechul smiles at his son, a wistful look in his eyes as memories glide by him. he pats his knee, and the boy sits, not on the left one of course. heechul wraps his arms around him and kisses the top of his head, making the boy giggle.

 

 

“well, before you, there was a boy named min kyunghoon…”

**Author's Note:**

> dont hate me, it wasnt ALL bad right?
> 
> sorry kyunghoonie


End file.
